..isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

This week I’m the project leader for my group in school. It’s a little scary. My predecessors were great, so how can I top that. Suddenly it hit me that a great leader surounds himself/herself with compitant people and focuses thier efforts in order to be productive. “Fake it till you make it!” That’s the story of my life, so this should be easy.

I dunno why today felt terrible. It’s probably a combination of a number factors.

Fear:

I want to do a great job, and find out that I don’t need to change at all. You know, I was born for this. I know in my heart that that is not the case. It takes some getting used to. What if I can’t handle the critique? What if I can’t handle the leadership roll? What if I overcompinsate and everyone thinks I’m an asshole?

I try not to let on how much self doubt is actually consuming me. I keep quite and let them speak amungst themselves. They usually come to a conclusion or a decision on thier own. Pappa Smurf need not make an appearence. I simply add something like, “Good, we’ll just do that then.”, as a way of ending the discussion.

Women:

I’m the only guy in my group. I’m surounded by ladies, which addmittedly doesn’t sound like a bad thing, but my decidely checkered trackrecord with the opposite sex rears it’s ugly head. I know it’s really in to aspire to have a “genus perspective” but old habits die hard. I’m not trying to get my freak on with anyone in my group, lemme get that straight right now. I just mean… Will they respond positively or negatively to an Alpha-male?

I believe in equallity for all and all that jazz, but society has appointed rolls for men and women long ago and oddly I find my self the “oppressed woman of yesteryear” in allot of social situations. (I dare you to try to make sense of that.) Long story short I’m a simple man who may be a tad too in-touch with his feelings. Which I personally consider a strength. But it does come at the cost of observing behaviour thrust upon me and trying to deal with it without getting hurt feelings.

My day plan, to put it abruptly, was rejected by the group in favor of diverting all our energy to completing work that was due at 12 o’clock sharp. No brakes, No important discussion relevent to the project further down the line, No fun little distraction to boost moral. Just gettin’ it done!

I respect there wishes but feel imediately like something went wrong. Did I not speak with athourity enough? Do they not see me as a leader or am I just the guy who supplies candy to meetings?

But then again they were right. Had we followed my day plan chances are we never would have made the deadline. (Which by the way was sent off at exactly 12.00! Nice job, WBPG!) Which means my initial intentions were off. My natural leadership instincts are bogus! I’m freakin’ out!!

It feels like either way I’m screwed. =(

Two days left. Here’s hoping I feel different by Friday.

Later

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